Hurt People Hurt
I have had my share of friendships that have brought me grief and heartbreak. It takes me a while to let anyone in my inner circle, I think it’s because of the trauma I have carried from childhood, loving with all my heart and being lied to,betrayed and cheated on. I like to have my guards up and be vulnerable only with people I completely trust. I think that's the story for most of us who have any level of self-awareness.
Today I want to reflect on why we invite toxic people into our lives, why we can’t see the damage they are doing to us and how we can finally be released from these ties.
Toxic people use their victimhood as a badge of honor, as an entry ticket to earn your sympathy,attention and love.They have absolutely no intention of changing their situation, rather want to use their misery as an excuse to tell themselves and the world that they have been wronged and are victims.
Don’t confuse toxic people with people who genuinely are hurting and need your love and support to come out of a tough spot.
You recognize toxic people by understanding that the victimhood story they carry is the theme of their life. Why this is toxic is because they are stagnating in their negative emotions and don’t really want a change. There is a lot of bitterness and anger inside them which they portray as a “virtue” and a “moral high ground” because they are suffering and somehow suffering in our society is equated with greatness.
Suffering is not greatness, greatness lies in finding a path out of your suffering, understanding that you are 100% responsible for your happiness.
Why do we invite such people into our lives?
Sometimes we don’t have a choice, they are family or so entrenched in our lives that we cannot separate them. But most of the time we consciously choose to stay connected with them.
And here’s the hard truth that I have realized through my experiences. We want them because we want to be the hero. Helping them fulfills our need to be loved, appreciated & valued.
We feel good about ourselves when we help others and this is something that is genetically coded into our being.There is nothing wrong with that but the problem arises when our sense of self is so broken that we completely rely on others to make us feel good about ourselves. When we keep wanting validation from others that we are good we attract toxic people as they fill that role very well. They probably put you on a pedestal, talk about how your presence is the reason they are happier.
Here are some traits I have seen and researched that help you recognize these toxic relationships.
It’s all about them and their problems
There is always drama around them
You feel uncomfortable around them, can’t put a finger on what's wrong, you just know something is not right.
They gossip regularly - Gossip often breeds mistrust and suspicion, especially if your friend constantly gossips about other people. If you hear them talk poorly about others, it’s easy to assume they may talk about you to other people and cannot be trusted with your secrets. Sometimes, you’re not hearing your friend talk about someone else, but you hear information about yourself from someone you didn’t share it with. Nothing breaks trust in a friendship faster than gossip, especially if it’s habitual.
Anyone can slip up and say things they shouldn’t, but toxic friends seem to enjoy spreading secrets around, even when you ask them to keep personal information private. Gossip always reflects more on the person gossiping rather than the person being gossiped about. (Sourced from a study)
They rarely apologize- We all mess up, but part of respecting our friends is owning our mistakes, apologizing and committing to changed behavior.
Jealousy- they are often jealous of your other friends and may even try to sabotage those relationships.
When you try to create boundaries with them or they can sense that you are consciously choosing to remove them from your inner circle they start spreading lies and rumors about you and unfortunately they know a lot about you because you inserted them in your life and shared things with them that you normally wouldn't with your acquaintances.
Why can't you see the damage they are doing to your mental health and other relationships?
Because you trust and believe in the basic goodness of all.Even if you have suspicions you keep giving them a benefit of doubt and say to yourself that these people have been through so much so they deserve understanding and empathy.
They are very helpful in certain situations and you come to rely on that.
Their “poor me” attitude activates an automatic “help others” response in you
You like and want to feel loved and appreciated for your efforts with them and they know how to do that
How can helping someone be bad or damaging to you? It can be, because you are enabling parasitic behavior. They lean on you and drain you of your energy and leave you entangled in their drama’s.
So what’s the way out?
The first step, according to me, is to begin to love yourself so much and so unconditionally that you eliminate the need for validation from the outside world.
2. Don’t be afraid of their lies or rumors, as a friend recently told me “toxic people will band together and enjoy gossiping together, it’s their source of entertainment” so why fear about what those people will think of you? Stay close to those who love you; they are the ones who truly matter.
3. Block people and make clear boundaries of what is acceptable to you and what is not. We spring clean and declutter our homes and yards. Why not our relationships? If they pull you down, rethink their role in your life and let go of them.You have enough love and beauty inside you and around you to focus on.
4. Eliminate the need to prove that you are right and they are wrong, you have nothing to prove to anybody, how you live your life and respect your friendships and relationships is proof for yourself. There is ample work to be done there, focus on that to become a better version of yourself for YOU.
5. You cannot “fix” anyone but yourself. If you want to impact others, live your life authentically and intentionally, that will give people around you the freedom to choose to do the same.
“Hurt people hurt people. We are not being judgmental by separating ourselves from such people. But we should do so with compassion. Compassion is defined as a "keen awareness of the suffering of another coupled with a desire to see it relieved." People hurt others as a result of their own inner strife and pain. Avoid the reactive response of believing they are bad; they already think so and are acting that way. They aren't bad; they are damaged and they deserve compassion. Note that compassion is an internal process, an understanding of the painful and troubled road trod by another. It is not trying to change or fix that person.”
― Will Bowen, Complaint Free Relationships: How to Positively Transform Your Personal, Work, and Love Relationships
❤️🦋 Love Always :)
Anu Desai
